It's been one of those weeks and days where things all seem to happen at once and I seem a bit overwhelmed and lost with what to do.
For the past week, last week, was working on a show, lighting design and operator and tech manager and it was a fun show to work on and I enjoyed it and what the company is doing. But it was frustrating as well working with them. Frustrating in which I saw things weren't being done by the SM and got frustrated and so took it upon myself to do it. Frustrating in which, in some ways there was no clear roles or defined roles in production. Sometimes I wish I could just work on a show properly from start to finish as say a LX designer/operator and not have to be responsible for anything else. Where I know what my job is and can just concentrate on that and not on anything else in the production.
It's also frustrating working and having to educate a company on lighting and how it impacts their show ect. I don't know what's worse, working with a director whose old school and tries to tell you how to do your job or working with one and a company where your there teaching them. I find it hard at the moment teaching them when I'm still learning myself and still don't trust myself enough nor have the confidence in my abilities yet.
Yes things seem to happen in threes they say.... I got a cold and my period the same day, not happy :(
I am emotional, got really emotional last night and have been past few days. Things just come back to me and it's all overwhelming and feel like giving up. And so have decided that maybe I need to see a counsellor again to try and help me get my life back on track, am just a bit worried with money.
It seems since I got back to tas, all I've been doing is searching for something, maybe a sense of belonging, my motivation but maybe more importantly my happiness back.
Funny thing is last time I can say I was truly happy was when I was in Melbourne. I've had moments where I've been happy but they have been short lived.
It feels here at the moment, I'm just going through the motions, filling in time, saving money so I can then bugger off later on back to Melbourne. Am thinking about moving back there, but won't be til the end of the year, early next year, as my contract as venue manager goes until december.
Someone said the other day to me that I must be happy now that I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. But funnily enough, it's great that I am getting paid for it and I am thankful for it, but it feels like there's something missing and now realise that yes money helps but it doesn't make you happy. There's more to life.
I've finally decided to exhibit some of my artwork for an exhibition later in the year in August. I decided to last night, when I was at The Lounge gathering, part of the queer community, where strangely I seem more like myself when I am around the community and with my friends outside of the community.
The exhibition, Artfully Queer is about a sense of belonging in the queer community in tassie. I thought it'd be a good thing to do, therapy I guess and to be creative again.
I have a few creative ideas for projects to do and have started thinking seriously about them, but will see what happens. Am thinking about staging a play I worked on in Sydney here in tas maybe sometime next year, depending on how things go. Have also thought about a lighting project to do and will be attending a seminar in mid may which may help me out with the project. But these are only half ideas. I seem to have so many ideas and half finished projects at the moment.
I find it hard to settle at the moment, doing one thing, maybe it's because I'm looking for that excitement and busyiness that I had in Melbourne and Sydney, that seem to lack here and so am doing new things to keep me busy and distracted here in tas to fill in time so am not thinking about leaving so much.